The Dangers of Self Combusting
by Lintu68
Summary: A very short, funny oneshot. Stephanie has been self combusting too much. Rated M to be safe.


_This is a short I wrote for Christie - she asked for it... Beware of bad language._

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The Dangers of Self Combusting **

My mom always told me nasty things happened to people who touched themselves. I never really believed you could go blind from doing it, but as a Catholic, the guilt was still programmed into my brain. It took me years before I got any real pleasure out of the shower massager.

Then Ranger came along. With Ranger came a whole new kind of sexual frustration. The kind that needs to be fed. This wasn't the kind where you could just take a walk or eat some cake and it would go away. This was the kind of frustration that craved attention. The kind that didn't go away no matter how many doughnuts I ate. The Ranger induced frustration demanded something to be done.

And oh, did I do something about it. In my shower I screamed and trashed, always his name on my lips. I must have gone through five different shower massagers in two months. The feeling of the hot water against my most private parts, my slick skin and the wonderful feeling of bliss; it was addictive. The good Catholic girl I used to be had turned into a water-fucking orgasm-junky. My mother's worst fears had come true, I was a nymphomaniac. And I was having an affair with my shower massager.

Lately I had been doing some serious self combusting to the point that I wondered if I could live in the bathroom permanently. Everyday I saw Ranger, and everyday he touched me. Pushed a curl behind my ear, placed his hand on my neck or stood too close. And every night I screamed his name, hearing it echo off the tile in my shower. And now I was blind.

You heard me, I had gone blind. My mother had been right the entire time. I refused to believe her, and look where that got me. Lula and I'd had a girls' night out yesterday, and we'd gotten to talk about Ranger. When I got home I had self combusted in the shower. Twice. And now I had a terrible head ache, was blind, and I think I might have been drunk still. I was stumbling around in my apartment, bumping into things left and right. I never knew I had so much stuff lying around. And they should rename the big toe. From now on it should be called: part of foot designed to find furniture in the dark.

I was slowly starting to panic about my situation, when I heard the lock on my front door tumble. I had no idea who it was and straightened from my crouching position. I stood by the couch (I think) and turned my head to the door, trying to look like I wasn't blind as a bat. I didn't want a potential stalker to realize I couldn't even see him killing me.

"Babe?" I heard that familiar voice that haunted my one-person sessions with the massager. The voice of the person who was responsible for my current condition.

"You bastard!" I shrieked and made to launch myself at him. Too late I realized I didn't know where in the room he was. Hell, I didn't know where in the room _I_ was. I went down with a thud and the part of foot designed to find furniture in the dark promptly found the coffee table.

"Babe?" I heard amusement in his voice now.

"Thanks to you I'm fucking blind!"

"Babe?" Confused now, I heard.

"Don't you know any other word than Babe? I'm blind and a nymphomaniac and you keep acting like a broken record."

I was trying to get up without the part of foot designed to find furniture in the dark finding anything else, when I felt Ranger lift me up and place me on the couch.

"Explain."

"I woke up this morning and I was blind!" I wailed. I think I might have been hysterical at that point, but it's hard to tell when you can't see anything.

"What does the nymphomaniac thing have to do with you waking up blind?"

I turned my head around, trying to check if anyone else was in the room. I didn't have any luck finding anyone, but lowered my voice, just to be safe.

"I've been self combusting too much and now I've gone blind." I whispered.

"Self combusting?" Ranger asked, laughter in his voice.

"Shh!!"

"Sorry." he whispered, now clearly laughing.

"It's not funny!"

"I'm sorry Babe, let me get this straight. You've self combusted enough to make yourself blind."

"Yeees…" I wailed, throwing my head back against the couch. "What am I supposed to say to people?"

"Babe, you're not blind."

"What do you mean I'm not blind? I'm pretty fucking sure not being able to see anything qualifies me as blind."

I felt Ranger do something to my eyes, and a second later light flooded into my world once again.

"Ohh…" I said, amazed at the colors. I looked over at Ranger who was sitting beside me on the couch, holding a sleep mask in his hand. It took me a while to realize it was the one Lula gave me yesterday that I apparently had used for the first time last night.

"Oh…" I said again, feeling my cheeks turn red from embarrassment.

I could see Ranger's lips twitching; he was clearly having a hard time channeling the blank mask today.

"Stop laughing at me, I thought I was blind." I said, succeeding very well in sounding hurt.

"I'm sorry Babe, you were just so cute…"

I scooted away from him on the couch, but he grabbed me by my waist and pulled me too him. He nuzzled my neck and pressed a soft kiss below my ear.

"So… Tell me about this self combusting you do…"


End file.
